I was just thinking that perhaps I should provide some background on the move. What is happening is that I've decided to transfer from my design program at Pratt to one at California College of the Arts. There are a number of reasons for this decision, some of which concern a practical desire to broaden the kind of design education I'm getting (and frankly, dissatisfaction with Pratt), and some of which concern a personal desire to go back to California, my home state. For an entire year, I've been weighing these two impulses, and even now, after I've made the decision, I'm seesawing wildly between cautious excitement and complete panic.
At the moment, the panic is winning out, unfortunately. I feel a pit in my stomach as the reality of moving day gets closer and closer. Not only am I full of angst about leaving New York, a city I love yet somehow felt was the right time to leave, but I am worried about Chef K, who is supposed to follow me once he gets a job in SF but hasn't found anything yet. And I am worried about leaving my friends at Pratt, an unbelievably special group of people that I was blessed to meet, and honestly feel like I'm tempting fate now to leave. On top of it all, I'm worried that I'm deep-sixing my career, going to some college everyone gets confused with CalArts, or Academy of the Arts, or Art Institute, and going for a second bachelor's to boot. What am I doing?? Am I crazy?
At the bottom of it, I guess that I never wanted to wonder "what if," that I believe there is a bigger world out there in design than what I've experienced so far. Hopefully, if I always hang on to what's in my heart and always ask if I'm staying true to myself, things will turn out OK. I've always told other people that -- and now I need to tell myself. The truth is, though, that I'm terrified.
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